.beautiful calamity
[kickboxing life obstacles one step at a time]New year, same goals
Drink more water
Drink less alcohol
Eat more veggies
Eat less sugar
Continue weight lifting
Do more cardio
Have better posture
Get 8 hours of sleep
Continue working on not stepping on the scale
Take better care of my car
Explore DC/VA more
What happens is
I let emotions control me. I let emotions turn into a reason to tell myself I shouldn’t eat.
There is absolutely no correlation between the emotion, and my automatic reaction to suddenly become frustrated with food, or my body (or both); it’s just what happens.
……………
I skipped a whole month
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of trying to not think about this. But a lot of thinking about it anyway. The reason is mostly because I have not been running. Pretty much at all. Because the half marathon shattered my IT Band and piriformis (again). And has inhibited me from running. That, plus a week of being pretty sick, and a few stressful workdays have produced an incredibly lazy form of myself. I’d swear I gained 10 pounds in the past month but what the hell do I know? I can’t look at myself correctly (at least I’ve figured this out about myself).
So I am pretty anxious about it. When I got sick, I weighed myself towards the end of the week long sickness (barely eating) and I had lost 4 pounds. Despite my fever, I was elated. As always when a number on the scale drops.
I wish that food wasn’t such an enemy. I wish I exercised more. I wish I hadn’t gained this (imaginary or not) extra 10 pounds.
When I got sick I took sharp dive into disordered thinking, and it’s been really difficult to keep fending it off. Especially with thanksgiving. I took such a sharp dive that I counted calories while I was still sick. I was actually thinking that I was glad I got sick because I knew I was losing weight due to not eating. That’s also a reason I haven’t written in so long. I was so consumed with this inner struggle of wanting to continue that thinking, and trying to remind myself that’s not a smart road to take. And I guess the disordered thinking was winning because writing about it, in a way, is saying the smart side is winning–because at the very least, I am acknowledging that I know it’s not good.
So now here I am, still thinking about thinking unhealthy weight loss is a potentially good plan for myself. But I just hate that my stomach is jiggly when I merely walk or get up from sitting. I mean, it is jiggler mcjiggersons. It’s pretty disgusting. Good thing I don’t live near a beach because nice weather that calls for skimpy clothes would not be a good idea on my body right now.
I don’t know. Inner struggle that I refuse to talk to anyone about = sudden mini breakdowns and random sudden depression when I can’t handle it just on my own anymore.
wahh wahh wahhhhhh.
Seriously, Emily? Just man the fuck up.
That’s what I tell myself. But I still look and feel fat. I need to actually do something about it.
I just want to run. Fucking IT band, I fucking hate you.
Winter will not claim me!
I have lost 5 pounds and I am realllllllly excited about it. 9 more and I will be where I should be. woop woop.
If I could talk I’d say
I ate too much.
I feel like 500 pounds.
My muscles are jacked.
Literally, I can’t move my head without my neck/back hurting. And I can’t move my leg without my IT band tightening up and spasming.
I’m running the half marathon in 2 days.
I don’t know what I’m going to “race” in. I’m way too effing huge to wear the uniform.
I’m bloated and gross.
This is awful.
I talked to my fiance for like 60 seconds today.
And now I’m shedding tears for no reason.
[see above reasons]
Happiness in these forms
country music
road trips
the lake
boating
early morning Arizona runs
monsoon storms
the smell of rain
streams and waterfalls
long runs with Ipod
long runs with a good friend
high heels
book stores
coffee houses
coffee
newspapers
snail mail
best friends
family on Christmas Eve
Being politically incorrect
swings
impromptu adventures
crayons and coloring books
cold beer on the porch
trampolines
modern art
sunshine
cherry coke
being in TJ’s arms
new journals
grandma’s pearls
good conversation
summer
Christmas decorations
cabins
camping
trucks
scratch lottery tickets
learning to ski
lilies
daydreaming
home videos
scrapbooks
an exceptionally clean house
fireworks
wit
love
driving rural roads
singing loudly in the car
popsicles
gym equipment
laughing so hard you cry
short jean skirts
summer dresses
willlow trees
mutual agreement
hanging out with my brother
movie theaters
exploring the outdoors
going to West Point
surprises
blahhh
I hate WP.
On top of a shitty day at work, I came home and went running right away and then wasn’t really that hungry for dinner. But I ran 8 miles…
I was just so frustrated with the day. So I ate half an apple and some green beans. And all I really wanted to do was talk to my fiance. But fricken WP gets in the way. I cant wait until this is all over. 9 more months.
NOT a very good night.
Me: I’m a little hungry
ED: you ate at 4pm.
Me: I know… you’re right. But I should probably eat dinner.
ED: You don’t need dinner. You didn’t run all week.
Me: I guess so…
ED: And you gained all the weight back that you lost. Now you’re fat again. Way to go.
Me: …Did I?
ED: Yes!
Me: You win. I’m not eating dinner.
self discovery
I’ve just come to the spectacular realization that I want to live in my bikini and travel the world while working.
My best friend from my freshman year xc season has this unbelievable job. She works for a marketing company that sponsors surfers, skaters, etc., and she just got back from 3 weeks in Bali photographing surfers and promoting her company.
Helloooooooo what was I thinking?????? I would like this to happen to me.
Now.
arghhhh!
I am pretty sure my body hates me for eating Wendy’s on the drive back. And drinking beer. and other unnecessary things. And, not running [much] during it all.
So, now I’m sick. Again.
Fabulous.
On a brighter note, I had such a fantastic weekend.
