I wrote an entry, and decided it was too real and too sarcastic. So then I hit the backspace button until it was all gone. And now I’m kind of upset that I did that. Oh well.

Dear E.D.,

The last time I wrote to you was about two years ago. I wrote an empowering letter, and I believed every word. I believed, and hoped with all my being that you would be gone out of my life forever. I knew though, that the possibility of that happening was slim. I knew from an academic stand point and also from an emotional standpoint. You. Are. Never. Gone. You’re with me when I wake up, when I take a shower, when I go running, when I eat meals, when I walk to and from work, when I go out, when I get ready for bed, when I dream. As much as I usually try to deny you access into my life, somehow you creep in at the most inopportune moments. When I am, for whatever reason, even a tiny microscopic bit emotionally unstable. Why do you invite yourself into my life so forcefully and with such gusto? I’m upset that I even feel the need to write this. Or worse, why is it so easy for me to let you back in. Why do I crumble so quickly? Why are you always there?

The worst part is the towering ability you have to make me feel so bad about myself and so depressed, sad, or angry (depending on the period of time) that I ultimately ruin other people’s plans, my plans, or moods. Right now, something in me is just saying I cannot go out. I lost all desire. And I feel awful for being flaky to the people I was supposed to meet up with. But I am about 10 seconds away from crying and have zero thirst for putting on a pseudo smile.

ugh. I don’t even know where to turn right now. My incapability of talking about this to anyone is ridiculous. But that’s all I want to do. It’s so dark and lonely in this place. I get there so fast and then it’s so difficult to get out. It’s hard to fight you sometimes because I have failed miserably when I let you in. I have failed, become staggeringly weak, and let people down. It makes me look like I have no confidence, no self esteem, no emotional control. No control. It plainly looks awful. Every time this happens I picture my parents and my mom’s tears and my dad’s angry frustration with me. Their disappointment. I picture TJ thinking he’s about to marry someone with no confidence. And as soon I get out of this, I’ll push it so far back in my memory that it won’t be an issue at all, until the next hint of depression. Where does this come from? I truly do not feel there is a source. I don’t know what that means or if it is possible, but there are so many triggers, there’s nothing that is uniform enough to pinpoint anything.

I’d like to stop the streaming tears. Maybe tonight is a lost cause.

Please leave, E.D.

Emily

I really hope all my family comes to our wedding. TJ has a fantastically large and close family. So much so that our wedding invitations are very lopsided: approximately 80 on his side and 40 on my side. He has double! And while I love them all, I just… really hope my side of the family shows up. We’re not nearly as close and I can see most if not all of my cousins not coming because it so far from where they live.And who’s to blame them, once my grandparents passed away, the family sort of fell apart in terms of visiting one another. We’ll see. The important part is that I’ll be marrying my love! But family being there would be a definite plus.

Life is so much better when running is involved.

I cannot wait to get married. Every day I get a little bit more excited.

happened. I accepted my first full-time,salaried, benefited position today. Allison got here today. I went to lunch and potentially made new friends with some people I met at a party last weekend. I’ll see TJ tomorrow.

Wonderful things, indeed.

And one not-so-good thing.

I threw up last night. So much so that my stomach hurt all day today. It wasn’t my fault, I must have caught a bug or something, or else ate something that my body wanted to reject. I went to bed at 10-something and woke up at midnight with the awful feeling of knowing I was going to be puking shortly. So I got up and sat in the bathroom, feeling very dreadful. And while this was happening I was remembering many previous events where I was essentially doing the same thing, only my stomach didn’t hurt. Anyway, as I’m waiting there in the bathroom fearing future events that were surely going to happen (you know how you just know you’re about to puke) and I couldn’t stand the waiting any longer so I just made myself. Just like old times! …ugh. And then I couldn’t stop. I mean, I think after the first or second time, the whole puking thing could have stopped (although how would I know, since I didn’t let nature take it’s course I had to interrupt and speed things up) but I kept going. It’s like, the one time triggered the next 6 times. And as this was happening, I knew it was happening. But I couldn’t stop. I suddenly had to get everything out. It was obviously making me sick and it was obviously uneccessary calories [justification]. But I don’t know. I mean, I was definitely going to puke with or without my helping actions. So I don’t know if I took it too far or not. Or if it even matters. What I do know is that today, or rather, tonight, something in me wished I would have enough guts to do it all over again. Afterall, dinner was unnecessary, right?

I don’t consider myself overly needy, as a significant other, but I really wish TJ would call me tonight. I don’t see that happening, though, as it’s already 11pm.

I don’t even want to talk about this I just want to say good night.

I had just enough alcohol to make me emotional and not anywhere near drunk. TJ left this morning, and just called me and I really, really, really wish I was with him right now.

Then I just talked to my dad about accepting the job offer tomorrow, and about my living situation and it made me really frustrated.

And now I just feel depressed.

I’m so awkward.

I just wish I were thin.

I am missing running on a team so freaking bad I can’t stand it!!! I’m going to run the Long Beach 1/2 in October with Bri & Michelle and hopefully my brother. I’m so stoked about it. And with Allison interning out here I’ll finally have a training buddy, which is so awesome. I’m going to commit to this one. I’m going to pay within the next few weeks and it’s going to rock. wooooo.

I need to go on a diet.

It’s so hot outside and I’m about to go running…and I’m sporting the running shorts/sports bra and I don’t think I can go out in public like this. Fat accumulation in the midsection. ugh.

is going to be AWESOME!