Bottled Up

I’m a night owl and an early riser

I give everything I have or nothing at all

I’m spontaneous and a dreamer

I get lost in my thoughts, a lot

I’m polite and shy, but outgoing

I like to entertain

I require your full attention

I love summer, spring, fall and winter

I loathe winter driving

The smell of pine is my favorite

I am determined and stubborn

I’ll talk when you drag it out of me

The sun can turn my day around

I’m lazy and restless

I truly, madly love running

There is something to be said of water, to drink, swim, and play

I miss my husband like I’ve never missed before

I’m athletic

I’m emotional

I’m forgetful

I care too much what everybody thinks

I cry sparingly, and hard

I’m strong and fragile

I want to look like…

I did when I was a collegiate athlete.

Which is oh so very ironic because I thought I was so huge when I was running 40-50 miles a week. Now that I am running 15 miles a week, I know my body has changed, it has to be different. And, I miss the 110-pound version of myself. Really badly. I have actually gained 2 pounds in the last 3 months, and I am trying really hard to rationalize that it is because I have been lifting weight and doing a lot more strength training than I ever have in my life before…so it should be muscle weight, but I have a lot of mini panic attacks when I look at the number on the scale. Also…my jeans are SO tight and I don’t know if it is because I shrank them in the dryer, or if I have gained unfavorable weight, or if my thighs are bigger due to muscle.

Does anybody actually recognize when the number on the scale translates to something good? For instance, muscle weight gain versus fat weight gain? I cannot ever look at myself and see something that has been improved. Even if I am able to pick something out that is looking alright, I automatically avert my own attention to somewhere on my body that is flabby. It is never ever ever good enough. Even at 110 pounds, I still was not good enough. I still thought I needed to lose 10 more pounds. Right now, I could stand for 15. Unless it’s muscle weight? But how am I supposed to know? Clearly I always view myself as fat no matter what the scale says.

Problem.